Sometimes it gets lonely on the battlefield

Imagine you're a soldier in a large company assigned to overnight duty in preparation for an early morning assault in a strange land. (Disclaimer: I am not a military person AT ALL so if this is incorrect, just focus on the point of the story.) It's cold, dark, and wet in the trench where you're posted. You know that there are hundreds of other soldiers in the area doing the same thing that you're doing, but you're separated from them so the contact is limited. You may be able to occasionally check and see if they're ok and vice versa, but for the most part you're on your own. You can't fall alseep and you can't call home. You just have to be on guard with your weapons ready for the next order. You don't know what that order will be nor do you know when it will come, but the moment it does you must spring to action. So what do you do in between? You wait, make sure everything is in order, and keep an eye on your surroundings.

I've never been in the military, but I can completely relate to that scenario. I am in this particular space and time because I have a specific work to do. I'm not exactly sure what it is, how I'm to do it, or when I will know that I've completed the task, but I'm here. Like any war vet, I've seen my fair share of casualties and experienced hardships. This is what gives me the sense enough to stay put and not try and take the reigns. So now I'm (almost) content with the uncertainty, but sometimes it gets lonely on the battlefield.

Just over a year ago, I started a whole new life and moved 676 miles away from home. The transition was ROUGH, but a year later and I'm still surviving and thriving. One of the lessons I learned the hard way (several times I may add) was to let God do what He does. I often tried to fill my space with people and stuff when He wanted me to be quiet and listen. The more I rebelled, the more awful was the repentance and atonement process. This is ESPECIALLY true in the realm of male-female relationships! If I got paid for every time I hugged when I should have given a handshake (literally and figuratively) I would have enough tuition for all of the students at my alma mater. I spent so much time running to get to the destination that I didn't realize I was supposed to take a walk and enjoy the scenery. It's quite possible that after experiencing one too many set of repercussions that I'm scarred. It's also possible that scarring is what was necessary to get me to the place of optimal growth.

Today I said two different types of goodbyes. I had three friends visiting with me for the holiday weekend and they all left earlier today. I enjoyed our time together but we're all in graduate and professional school and our demanding lives require our attention. We knew that Monday would come, but it still sucked to bid farewell. It seemed like the weekend flew by so quickly! We know we're going to see each other again (hopefully sooner rather than later), so this was more of a see you later type of goodbye. Still, I felt a tinge of sadness.

The other goodbye I said was to a part of myself. I was having a "conversation" (can long text message exchanges really be counted as a conversation?) with a gentleman friend of mine. At one point there was romantic interest shared between us, but we realized that we would be better as friends. Nothing bad happened and all the factors that made us attractive to one another remain intact. However, we made a conscious decision to do what's best long term at the expense of short term satisfaction. I'm proud of us for doing it this way instead of vice versa. When I think about it, I still agree with the decision and so does he.

Still, my logical thinking doesn't eradicate the part of me that desires intimate companionship. Intimacy in this context does NOT mean sexual stimulation. I'm referring to someone with whom you can share your innermost feelings and thoughts. For a short while, this friend was that for me. In our "conversation" it became clear that in order to fulfill our personal shared and individual goals, our interactions would never be the same as they once were. Furthermore, I had to say goodbye to the part of me that likes to try and slowly veer over into the path marked "off limits".

Anyone who knows me knows I like to push the envelope. Testing boundaries is an integral part of who I am, but there is a time and place for everything. Now is a time to respect the boundaries both in this specific relationship and in my interactions in general. It's clear that this is not a time for dating. {Sidenote: The concept of dating should be completely erased from my mind and the minds of anyone else who is serious about their mission. Courtship > dating.} I cannot be an effective soldier if I am bogged down by the cares of this life including, but certainly not limited to, the opposite sex. Now is the time to focus my energy on the task at hand and be alert so that I may clearly receive and execute my next set of instructions.

BUT

Sometimes it gets lonely on the battlefield. Sometimes you want to have someone to talk to late at night. Sometimes you wish there was a way someone else could guard your post so that you could do something more fun. Sometimes you just want to go to sleep (and it would be cool if someone else were in the bed with you - let's keep it 100)! So what is there to do during those lonely moments? I would imagine that a soldier probably thinks of his or her family back home: parents who are both proud and scared, siblings and cousins who are missing their running buddy, and children for whom they sacrifice everything including their lives. If the soldier joined the war effort because they believe in the integrity and truth of the mission may remind themselves of the pride they felt the day they enlisted. Still other soldiers may remind themselves of other instances where they felt similar sensations of isolation and abandonment and persevered. All of these are great coping mechanisms.

This soldier has done all of the above. I realize that I do what I do not just for me, but for countless generations before and after me. I believe that the journey that I'm on will lead to a mighty end. I can endure a bought with skin hunger or depression because what I'm about to do is worth so much more. Finally, I can think back on other times where I felt overwhelming feelings of hopeless desolation and see how I don't feel that way about those situations anymore.

The battle isn't over and I still have a long way to go, but I'm encouraged. I hope the reader is too. Stay alert and be ready for the next set of instructions.

*salute*