I’m not much for cliché or false behavior. I sincerely try to be as genuinely truthful as possible. That said, this post is going to resemble several others around this time of year. The end of the year is a time when people reflect on life and all the changes they need to make. Take the way people’s Saturday/Sunday afternoon Facebook statuses get very holy even though their status from the Saturday night before talk about how they were “getting it in” and magnify that times about one thousand. The result is several end-of-the-year conversations, blog posts, Facebook notes, etc. In reality, January 1 is just another day. If you were ratchet and raggedy December 31 you will be ratchet and raggedy the next morning. The only difference is that you will probably have confetti on the bottom of your shoe. Still, this time of year does allow for some seemingly clairvoyant epiphanies. Perhaps it is because the entire world takes time to pause and LISTEN instead of going through the normal hustle and bustle. I have had one of these moments and decided to write it down. There’s going to be a disclaimer
It is amazing how much people will do to rid themselves of physical ailments! I am currently fighting some type of mysterious finger infection. This thing started as a very minor pain. One day I awoke feeling like maybe I bit my nails too low. Biting my nails is a nervous negative habit I have had for as long as I remember. It’s brought me nothing but trouble! At the least it has guaranteed stubby nails and strange tastes in my mouth when I put my fingers in my mouth after forgetting I just touched something gross. At the most I have had countless aches from the times I bit too low and braces from the way my fingers threw my teeth out of alignment. Yet I continue to chew my nails faithfully! I try to quit, and sometimes I genuinely am successful, but then comes the end of a semester, break up, or time when I have more month than money. I never even realize I’m back at it until my teeth meet the quick of my nail. All I can do is hang my head and sigh.
This time I thought was just like the others: I bit my nail too low, but in a few days it would grow back and all would be well. SIKE! The next day I noticed my finger was a little swollen. I thought it odd, but thought maybe it wasn’t swollen and I was seeing things. The first step is denial. The next day I noticed there was a dark spot. I began to rethink my original theory. Maybe I had hit my finger and not remembered it. As the spot got bigger I was convinced: I definitely hit my finger and this dark spot was a busted blood vessel. Feeling pretty confident with this I sterilized a safety pin and stuck it. I found the skin was a little tougher than I thought so I tried again. No blood. Nothing. I went to sleep to wake up and find that the swelling and bruising got even worse. I thought, “oh no, this is a full blown situation!” Fearing the worst, I went to Walgreens to get a finger splint and Ibuprofen. I did not have time that day to get it examined, but it was hurting something fierce. The next day, I went to the MinuteClinic at CVS thinking it was minor. The nurse examined me and she said it is probably celluitis, but she was not able to give me the best treatment for it at the moment. I asked for something to hold me over until I returned to D.C. (I’m in Nashville visiting my family by the way). So, she gave me a topical antibiotic, told me to soak my finger in water with Epson salt twice a day and to take ibuprofen. Ideally I would receive an oral antibiotic to fight this type of infection, but for whatever reason she could not give that to me. So I got the scrip, bought the Epson salt (sidenote: CVS has lavender, green tea and chamomile, and vanilla Epson salt. Lavender is the business!), and began the process of trying to patch myself together.
As prescribed I have applied this topical antibiotic three times a day faithfully. It should be stated that normally I do not do things regularly or on time to save my life. I loathe taking pills (save maybe natural herbs), but you would think this ibuprofen is Pez the way I’ve been knocking them back. I have ground my teeth as I endured the uncomfortable heat of the salt water on my sensitive skin. I am serious about getting rid of this thing! Feeling like it was not healing fast enough, I Googled for supplementary opinions. I found that indeed my symptoms do fit a diagnosis of celluitis, but I figured I might as well continue to follow instructions and watch it until I can go see a doctor for a follow up in D.C. I found that Echinacea, Goldenseal, and raw garlic are natural herbs that help stimulate the immune system and aid the fight of infection. My mom has some Echinacea/ Goldenseal complex pills, so I popped two of those. Then I chopped three cloves of garlic and took it raw. That’s when I knew I was willing to do anything (within reason of course) to get healed. **Light bulb moment**
Here I was swallowing a hefty amount of garlic, an herb not particularly known for its fragrant aroma, with no problem and ready to do it every night until I was healed. Yet if someone had told me the first day that I needed to swallow some garlic and I would be ok, I cannot say with much assurance that I would have willingly complied without question. I had to get to the point where my pinky is bruised to the first joint and swollen to the second where I was ready to do whatever it takes to get me healed. Did you hear God speak to you as clearly as I did in that story? If not, let me keep going.
I had been doing a negative habit I have done my entire life without intolerable consequence. I have said I was going to stop biting my nails for years, but I keep running right back to it. I have even had accountability partners and bribes to serve as coaches and incentives, respectively, to ensure success. Even when I reach my goal, I always seem to fall into the same pit. It had gotten to a point where I stopped consciously fighting it and decided that I could handle stubby nails and that braces weren’t as bad as I originally thought. Can you relate? Go back about 5 sentences and replace “stop biting my nails” with “gossiping”, “lying”, “feeling sorry for myself”, “making excuses”, “drinking”, “smoking”, “making unwise relational decisions”, or whatever else fits your situation. We tend to revise the narrative we once authorized which condemns whatever negative behavior we have allowed to become a fixture in our lives, making said behavior now acceptable. Then, we take our revision a step further by convincing ourselves that the consequences are not only tolerable, but in some cases, enjoyable. What insanity! It takes us to get to the point of undeniable sickness for us to even acknowledge a problem exists. If I showed anybody my finger right now, I bet the reaction would be to make the hissing sound by sucking their teeth followed by and “ooooh what happened?!” It takes no expertise to know that I have a problem now. However, a month ago the untrained eye would not have noticed that I’m a nail biter. Days ago, I didn’t know that I had an infection brewing under my skin. That doesn’t mean the problem did not exist!
Now that I see fully probably the worst consequence of my negative habit, I’m desperate to be healed so I can “go and sin no more”. I mean I will try just about anything. The nurse told me if I’m feeling froggy I could try and lance it again to drain it of the goodness that has appeared in the midst of the bruising. I’m about two seconds off from saying “ribbit” while reaching for the safety pin and matches. I have become a Google-certified scholar on the subject and I will take just about any sound advice I can get on how to heal myself. What if I applied that same zeal to my spiritual life?
I am willing to lay myself on the operating table in the observation room because I believe there is a lesson for all here. Anyone who has known me for any length of time knows that when I do something, I go hard. I have been the Holy Roller, the good girl, the rebel, the wild child, the sailor, the vixen, the minister, and the liar. Sometimes, I have been all in one week. The apostle Paul wrote in 1 Timothy 1:15 that he was chief of all sinners. I might have stolen his crown. Some of the struggles are new: life moves faster than I ever imagined. An old song says, “time is filled with swift transitions” – understatement of a lifetime! I find myself having to make decisions I didn’t think I was ready for yet and often I choose wrong. However, some of these battles are the same old thing I’ve dealt with for years. It has even gotten to the point where I have run to the problems for security. I figure that I’m good at being bad, or at least mediocre, so why strive for excellence? This is the kiss of death! STRIVE FOR EXCELLENCE!
We are not so mangled that we are beyond recognition. God doesn’t make junk or mistakes. We each are gifted with unique attributes that are to be used for something wonderful! The negative forces in the world seek to erase this truth from our memories. If we can get distracted from the goal and stop pressing toward it, then we wont achieve it. We’ll revel in the foolishness, failing to conquer that which impedes our progress, and ultimately settling for less. This is unacceptable. We must get to the point where we are willing to do anything to get or stay on the right track. I believe getting our spiritual selves in order is a major step.
The last piece of this puzzle is that when you get to the point of undeniable sickness, it often is going to complicate or impede the progress to your goal in more than one way. In addition to the obvious discomfort, financial investment, and drain on my time, this thing goes a little deeper. In case you don’t know, I’m a professional student. As a history major, my whole life is dedicated to reading and writing. More specifically: typing. An infected finger could really screw that up quite a bit. Luckily, it’s the pinky on my left hand and I don’t type with my pinkies much anyway. This time I was spared, but I could have easily had a bruised and swollen thumb or index finger on my right hand. That would have been the worst!
Of course nail biting is both literal and symbolic in this parable. I wish it did not take a swollen pinky to make this revelation clear, but “it beez that way sometimes.” What is the bottom line? It is our responsibility to keep each other and ourselves on the straight path. This is done through relationship, honesty, transparency, and love. If you see me biting my nails after this heals, don’t talk about me – help me! You should know what the appropriate course of action is based on the type of relationship we have. Some people just need to give a gentle reminder, others a jarring admonition. If you’ve conquered nail biting, be honest with me and tell me what helped you. More than your help, I have to get to the point in my own growth where I determine that enough is enough! I don’t have all the answers. In fact, I don’t have hardly any. I just know that God is real, God has a mighty work for us, and it’s high time we get more serious about it. I hope my story helps you in some way. Please don’t wait until you have a sausage finger of your own to decide to seek healing at all costs – do it now!
